Do you also use these ways to express your anger? This is likely to be passive aggression:

1. You often sulk. It's difficult for you to admit and express that you're "angry." When asked, you're likely to deny your emotions with statements like "I'm not angry" or "I'm fine" and refuse further communication.
2. You prefer to silently deduct points rather than directly express your dissatisfaction. When you feel offended in a relationship, instead of directly telling the other person how you feel, you tend to silently deduct points in your heart.
3. You like to block and break off relations when angry. When the accumulated dissatisfaction reaches a certain level, you'll express your anger by blocking the person or breaking off relations. Since you've never expressed your feelings, the blocked person will be confused and won't know why you're so angry.
4. You can't say no but will express your dissatisfaction through procrastination and recklessness. You don't know how to refuse others' requests, even though you're strongly against them in your heart. But you'll express your dissatisfaction in another way, such as: ● If you think the work assignment from your supervisor is unreasonable, you'll delay it until the last second and end up having to postpone it.

● If you don't like the major chosen by your parents but don't dare to make your own decision, you'll show your resistance by being tired of studying.

5. You're afraid of direct confrontation. When there are differences in a relationship, you're used to avoiding conflicts and then expressing your dissatisfaction through avoidance. For example, you don't reply to messages and deliberately ignore the other person during conversations and gatherings. You're afraid of intense arguments and will feel a strong sense of fear when a conflict occurs.
6. Sometimes, you find yourself being sarcastic.

For example: ● Responding to others in a sarcastic way. ● Intentionally or unintentionally bringing up a topic that will make the other person unhappy. ● Bringing up the other person's past mistakes and dredging up old scores.

If you find that you often use these ways to express your anger, chances are you're engaging in "passive aggression": expressing hidden anger and dissatisfaction through seemingly gentle and harmless means such as procrastination, avoidance, intentional provocation, and secret revenge (Tim, 2018).

Passive aggression is often unconscious. Both the aggressor and the victim are hard - pressed to realize what's going on and only feel an inexplicable sense of "discomfort."

This hard - to - detect discomfort may be slowly harming your relationships.

Passive aggression harms both parties in a relationship.

We can first try to be observers and see what both parties in a relationship will experience when passive aggression occurs.

The person on the receiving end of passive aggression often has no way to voice their grievances.

 It's like being cut with a blunt knife. You don't feel that anything is particularly wrong, but everything just seems off.

They may often be confused by the other person's sudden coldness, avoidance, and rejection and start to wonder if they've done something wrong.

They may also be full of anger at the other person's constant procrastination, lateness, and duplicity, but it's not appropriate to point it out openly. Or, they may feel uncomfortable with the sarcastic remarks but find it hard to refute.

In the end, they can only "avoid," "be on guard," and "keep their distance."

On the other hand, the person launching this kind of attack doesn't have it easy either.

 It can be said that they're as miserable as the person being attacked. Passive aggression blurs the emotional boundaries.

When their safety boundaries are violated, they can't warn the other person by expressing their anger.

So, in the relationship, the boundaries will be violated again and again, and the more they get along, the more hurt they'll be.

A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that the behavior pattern of passive aggression inhibits the development of emotional management ability, making people more prone to depression and leading them to relieve their emotions through overeating or self - harm (Schanz, 2021).

Moreover, passive aggression erodes trust, gives rise to more and more intense conflicts, and hinders academic and career development:

● Hating a certain teacher and not listening to their class seriously.

● Being dissatisfied with demanding parents and deliberately doing poorly in exams.

● Disliking a certain colleague or leader and procrastinating at work or simply acting recklessly. Expressing anger in this way not only makes communication even more difficult but also fails to properly deal with the anger and further harms oneself.

Why do you engage in passive aggression?

Passive aggression is actually a self - protective defense mechanism: in past relationship experiences, we were unable to directly express our anger for various reasons, so we learned this passive form of attack. It may be related to the following reasons:

1. A childhood where anger was not allowed. Passive aggression may be related to one's experience in the original family. For example, parents always set very high expectations for you. Once you don't perform well, they'll get angry and impatient. Unable to resist them directly, you can only rebel in ways they won't notice. Clinical psychologist Dr. Scott Weitzler found in years of clinical psychological counseling that many men who like to engage in passive aggression often have an absent father. Because the only male role model in his growth process gave him a terrifying and unapproachable feeling. He can only identify with such a father and become an emotionally distant person. Another example is severe domestic violence, including but not limited to physical abuse, corporal punishment, or verbal abuse... Whenever a similar scene recurs, you'll experience the helplessness and fear of childhood again (Weitzler, 2020).
2. Low self - esteem. Passive aggression is often associated with low self - evaluation. Lack of confidence in yourself makes it difficult for you to say "no" and refuse others, and you don't have the courage to speak up for your own needs and rights. You always think that you need to be nice to others and can't go against them, so that others will like and approve of you. You'll be extremely concerned about what others think of you. Since you can't say no and stick to yourself, you can only internalize your anger. But over time, this anger will accumulate into resentment, leading to self - attack, depression, or being directed at others in a passive way (Salicru, 2021).
3. Fear of losing relationships. Passive aggression is also related to the fear of losing relationships. Before deciding whether to express your anger or keep it in, various "imaginations of the scenario of getting angry" will automatically pop up in your mind (Custer, 2003): Can I do this? What will happen if I lose my temper? People who are afraid to express their anger often think like this: "As long as I express my anger, I'll lose this relationship. If I get angry, they'll leave me." Out of the fear of losing relationships, suppressing anger becomes the only way to deal with conflicts.

How to get out of passive aggression?

1. When you feel angry, don't rush to deny it. People who engage in passive aggression often don't even realize their anger because suppression has become a habit. If you also have difficulty accepting your anger, you can start by paying attention to your physical reactions to guide yourself to feel the anger. Feel the physical sensations that anger brings. Specifically, which part of your body is uncomfortable? What exactly does it feel like? Try to feel them and, without judgment, allow them to stay with you for a while.
2. Detect the source of your anger. After detecting your anger, ask yourself why you're angry. In the book Anger and Aggression, the author found that anger is usually caused by the following five specific emotions:

● Being hurt and wanting revenge. ● Wanting to gain a sense of control but being powerless.

● Being disappointed and wanting to push others away.

● Not being respected and wanting recognition and attention.

● Expressing complex emotions to reduce your own discomfort. Once you find the underlying reason, you can try to express your feelings to the other person. For example: "I feel ignored," "I feel belittled," "I'm very frustrated."

3. Allow constructive conflicts. You can also try to correct your beliefs about conflicts: conflicts and contradictions aren't necessarily always terrible and irreparable; they can also be constructive (Brandt, 2019). Then, the next time you face a conflict, try to solve it in a more constructive way: ● Be less critical and stop blaming each other. Focus on describing your own feelings. For example, instead of saying "You really hurt my heart," say "I'm feeling a bit sad right now."

● Avoid using generalizing terms such as "always" and "never."

 ● Stop assuming that the other person should know what you're thinking and feeling. Instead, express yourself directly.

● Discuss solutions together and their impacts on each other. Adhere to the principle of a win - win situation or "at least no one loses" and choose the best option for both parties.

● Implement the solution together and evaluate the results: Is this method effective in improving our communication? If there's a next time, what can we do to get better results?

Finally, it should be noted that passive aggression isn't entirely "bad": it's a way that a person is used to protecting themselves.

Even though it brings many problems, it's the best choice you can make for yourself at the moment.

But if you find that this defensive way of dealing with things is making you live a hard life or causing you to miss out on opportunities for others to get to know you, maybe it's time for a change.

You'll find that directly saying "I'm angry" doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship;

it's very likely to be the beginning of real communication and understanding.