Generally, there are two types of marriages that can be sustained over the long term.

The first is the utilitarian type (approximately 80%). These couples may not passionately love each other but can still maintain long-term cohabitation. Such partnerships are widespread.

Utilitarian couples sustain their relationships for various reasons. For example:

• High exit costs: Shared responsibilities like raising children, paying mortgages, deep familiarity with each other’s life history, preferences, and social circles, and intertwined finances—these "familiarities" create a sense of certainty that keeps people in the relationship.
• Moral obligation: A lingering sense of duty, such as "I promised to care for you" or adherence to the belief that marriage should be lifelong monogamy (Stanley & Markman, 1992).
• Poor perceived alternatives: The belief that leaving the relationship would lead to worse outcomes (Rusbult, 1980).

The second is the intrinsic type (approximately 20%).

Intrinsic couples enjoy profound intimacy. Even after 10+ years of marriage, they still report "intense love" for each other.

Thus, in matters of love, blindly trusting internet noise often leads to "I’m the only fool here" moments.

Notably, couples who maintain positive emotional experiences despite stressful environments demonstrate rare resilience. They are not necessarily happier but are more determined to cling to joy amid bittersweet realities.

Studies on elderly couples reveal that reminiscing about positive shared memories helps regulate emotions during current hardships (Riehl-Emde, 2016).

Sacrificing without a "sense of sacrifice"

Sacrifice is crucial for maintaining high-quality, long-term relationships (Markman, 2006). However, psychologists note that the impact of sacrifice depends on how it’s perceived:

• Not all sacrifices are equal. Only voluntary sacrifices hold meaning.
• Sacrifices motivated by guilt, conflict avoidance, or perceived harm to oneself increase depressive symptoms and damage relationship quality (Whitton et al., 2007).

Healthy sacrifices lack a "transactional" feel. Instead, they manifest as dedication commitment—actively making decisions that prioritize the partner and relationship, such as:

• "I’ll consider a job closer to home so we can spend more time together."
• "I’ll take the kids out while you focus on work."

Key questions to ask: Do you feel resentful? Do you keep a "mental ledger" of debts owed? If so, reconsider your sacrifices.

Shared enjoyment matters more than quantity or duration

Behavioral companionship—shared activities like grocery shopping, gaming, or casual chats—forms the core of romantic bonds. For Gen Z, "enjoying time together" tops marriage motivations, surpassing co-parenting or financial stability.

If lacking common interests, try novel and challenging joint activities (studies show these enhance love). What matters is mutual enjoyment, not time spent (Crawford et al., 2002). Couples who blame each other during games like It Takes Two or mock poor performance in sports often break up.

Emotional sharing and positivity resonance

Many couples complain of "pseudo-intimacy"—being together yet feeling disconnected. Research tracking 154 middle-aged/elderly couples found:

Positivity resonance—moments of shared joy, mutual care (e.g., making coffee for each other), and behavioral synchrony (e.g., inside jokes, tactile connection)—predicts stable, healthy relationships. Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson emphasizes these micro-moments as love’s building blocks.

Physical intimacy (not necessarily sex)

While sexual activity correlates with marital satisfaction (Trudel et al., 2014), even non-sexual couples report strong love if they maintain frequent affectionate touch (hugging, kissing). Crucially, satisfaction stems from mutual understanding of needs and consensus on sexual dynamics (Baas et al., 2010).

Envisioning a shared future

High-commitment couples adopt a "we" mindset (Agnew et al., 1998). This "communal identity" drives actions like:

• "We’ll overcome challenges together."
• Adjusting personal goals for mutual benefit.

Over time, commitment deepens into relational bedrock (Sternberg, 1986).

Final thoughts

Fromm noted: "Love is not an abstraction—it exists only in loving acts." Relationships thrive not through rigid ideals ("finding the right person") but through continuous action—care, understanding, and adaptability.

May you and your partner become verbs, co-creating a resilient bond that flows and evolves.