"Bad - seeking personality" is a super - cool character setting that has become popular in recent years. It describes someone who is not easy to mess with and has an aggressive nature. It is the opposite of the people - pleasing personality.

The catchphrases of people with a bad - seeking personality are: "Don't want, don't need, don't like." When they reject things they don't want, it's as easy as going home from work.

Every people - pleaser who can't say no to others may have dreamed of a life like the protagonist in a cool - genre novel. Just as Yukio Mishima said in The Decay of the Angel: Keiko had the ability to regard others as dirt, and this was the fundamental reason for her eternal cheerfulness.

Everyone has aggression, and everyone also has moments when they need to please others.

In the intricate social network, people with an edgy personality actually exude a sense of subjectivity and sexual charm. This is because they live a life that is real, healthy, and full of strength.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of the psychoanalytic school, believed that aggression is a kind of death instinct. This is because people subconsciously long for death and have a desire to return to an inorganic state.

If a person cannot symbolically release their aggression outward, they will turn the aggression inward and self - attack, leading to psychological problems.

The cost of suppression

When I was in school, there was a little boy who always liked to poke me in the back with a compass. My mother told me, "Then poke him back! Don't let people think you're easy to bully."

It's easy to say, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to become as annoying as him by using his methods. As a result, I did nothing and could only seethe with anger in private.

There may be many reasons why one is bullied but unable to fight back. For example:

You believe deep down that being aggressive is bad.

You overly take on the responsibility of maintaining a good relationship and think that "attack" will definitely lead to the death of the relationship. Because in your experience, conflicts between family members or peers will surely lead to a broken relationship.

You have an illusion of omnipotent control, believing that you can control your interpersonal situation by catering to others' preferences.

You are afraid of being retaliated against by the other party or being abandoned.

You can't recognize or feel your own emotions, only experiencing an uncomfortable numbness.

You suppress your dissatisfaction with others and turn to self - attack, even thinking that the other party's improper actions are reasonable.

You have developed learned helplessness. Long - term emotional suppression makes a person feel exhausted at the psychological level, which hinders the ability to change.

But there is a cost to suppression.

Research has found that when people who are used to suppressing their emotions encounter stressful events, although they seem calm on the surface (subjective reports show low levels of anxiety), their physiological arousal levels are not as calm as they claim (rapid heartbeat, elevated blood pressure) (Weinberger & Schwartz, 1990).

Moreover, emotional suppression also leads to a decrease in the experience of positive emotions, impairment of social functions, and an increased risk of cardiovascular diseases (John & Gross, 2004).

Aggression is an inner vitality

Throughout history, many psychologists have regarded "aggression" as a kind of vitality.

Donald Winnicott believed that a baby's aggression is innate. Aggression is a potential and the core of emotional development. A reliable and beneficial environment enables a child to develop the ability to express aggression healthily. Otherwise, the child may become overly submissive or develop anti - social destructive aggression.

In Infant Observation in a Set Situation (1941), Winnicott observed the behavior of infants aged 5 to 13 months when faced with a spatula.

He found that if a child's greed (and appetite) is suppressed, they may avoid picking up the spatula or cling to their mother (asking the mother questions). Infants who have a good relationship with their mother and are given the freedom to express their greed (appetite) can play with the spatula or use it creatively.

Winnicott believed that greed is similar to aggression. It is a primitive eros and something we usually fear to admit.

In a good enough environment, when a child is held in the arms of the caregiver, this aggression is allowed to occur, and the caregiver can "survive", not break down, shatter, or retaliate. This enables the child to explore the surrounding environment and develop their perception of real things.

In other words, "destruction" in the early stages of life is an achievement. Love and aggression are not opposed but different aspects of the same drive. In a healthy situation, a child can discover their limitations through a certain degree of aggression, realize that the object is completely other, and happily experience the object's persistence and the "eternal love" it contains, and then explore external objects and enjoy it. Without this achievement (the experience of the object's persistence), a child cannot develop the ability to care.

A child who is used to suppressing aggression also has difficulty living a life full of vitality. Because they are overly submissive or develop a false personality mask. Their ability to live a creative life is inhibited, and the true self remains undiscovered.

Ogden (2014) once pointed out that a person with an inhibitory personality may be living an "unlived" life. For whatever reason, they are unable to have more feelings about their own emotions. In this sense, they are deprived of the right to fully feel themselves.

How to constructively release aggression

Cultivating the ability to release aggression outward does not necessarily mean learning "aggressive expression".

There are three types of aggression: passive aggression, anti - social aggression, and constructive aggression.

Passive aggression: You indirectly show your aggression (such as ignoring, procrastinating, or beating around the bush), and others are not quite clear about your stance and feelings.

Anti - social aggression: You mock, belittle, and retaliate against others, and vent your anger at others in an explosive way, violating others' rights.

Constructive aggression: You express yourself openly, honestly, and directly, and others clearly know your stance and feelings.

Expressing your feelings does not equal attacking others.

In constructive aggression, we are aware of, experience, affirm, and accept our emotions without fear of being associated with them. Directly and clearly expressing our hatred, anger, fear, and vulnerability to others is a confident form of aggression, which means we can express aggression in an appropriate and socially acceptable way without demeaning others or falling into chronic narcissistic rage. For example: "I'm very uncomfortable when you talk like this"; "This kind of work process makes it difficult for me to arrange my time"; "I think the joke just now was very offensive."

What we need to practice countless times is precisely this "firmness without hostility".

Maybe the relationship will break down, maybe it won't. If you have never had the experience of expressing aggression during your growth, you can first try to repair this ability step by step in a safe environment (such as psychological counseling).

The psychoanalytic scholar Guntrip (1975) once recorded his experience of being analyzed by Winnicott. Guntrip loudly cursed Winnicott near the end of the analysis, but Winnicott said an unusual thing:

"It's like you gave birth to a child with my help. You talked to me for half an hour with rich content. I found it very strenuous. You have to know that I can endure your scolding, but I'm not destroyed. I must endure your creativity during childbirth, not your destructiveness. Because you have created something rich in content."

If an important hatred can be safely expressed, the emotional connection in the relationship will be deeper and more intimate, and aggression will be transformed accordingly.

For Winnicott, aggression is equivalent to love. Only by accepting our own aggression can we live a creative and passionate life. Creativity and aggression jointly play a profound and important role. In children, they promote development and growth. In adults, they make a meaningful and real life possible.

In this sense, cultivating a bit of a bad - seeking personality is not about deliberately learning how to be bad, but about daring to be real.