Many people may encounter difficulties related to "empathy" in their lives.

For example:

• A friend comes to confide in you, and you easily get immersed in their emotions, struggling to get out of it for a long time.
• When watching TV, news, or documentaries, you find it especially easy to empathize with the characters, experiencing emotional ups and downs.
• When communicating or interacting with others, due to having strong empathy, you constantly worry about offending others or making them unhappy, leading to a huge psychological burden and making you feel restrained.

What kind of ability is empathy exactly? Is it a good or bad thing to be easily empathetic?

I hope this article will clarify this issue thoroughly and clear up any confusion you may have.

 

I

The word “empathy” originally comes from the German word Einfühlung, which means projecting one's feelings onto the natural world. For example, when seeing a tall mountain, you might feel that it is “strong”; when seeing a straight road, you might feel it is “firm.” These kinds of associations are what Einfühlung refers to.

In 1905, German psychologists Edward Titchener and James Ward created the term "empathy" based on this concept. It means the ability to project one’s own feelings onto others, trying to understand their feelings by putting oneself in their shoes.

This definition aligns closely with how we understand empathy today. When we say someone has a strong empathy ability, what do we mean? We mean that they can easily put themselves in another person's shoes, understand their emotions and mental state, and know what the other person wants.

So, what is the mechanism behind this empathy ability?

It is based on three core foundations. The first foundation is called mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons are a special group of neurons spread across various regions of the brain. They do not directly regulate body movements but are responsible for "reading the behavior of others." When we observe specific behaviors in others, these neurons are activated, making us experience similar emotions and reactions.

For example, when we see someone enjoying a delicious meal, even though the food is not in front of us, we can still feel like we are savoring it; when we see someone injured or bleeding, even though the injury is not ours, we still feel fear and discomfort. These reactions are triggered because the behavior of others activates our mirror neurons, making us experience similar feelings.

Some people with highly developed mirror neurons can even feel goosebumps just by reading words like "knife cutting through skin" or "fingers scraping against a chalkboard," even without seeing the images. This is a clear sign of highly activated mirror neurons.

However, having mirror neurons alone is not enough to form the full capability of "empathy," because they only trigger our “sympathy” or shared feelings. To form empathy specifically toward others, another mechanism is needed: the theory of mind.

The theory of mind is a very interesting concept. At first glance, the name may sound very abstract, but it actually refers to this ability: assuming that others have minds similar to ours, and projecting our own feelings onto them to speculate and understand their intentions and actions.

In other words, a person with a well-developed theory of mind sees others and makes the assumption that they are like themselves—capable of experiencing emotions like joy, anger, sadness, and pain; when they are hurt, they feel pain; when they are sad, they cry; when they are hungry, they feel discomfort. They treat others the same way they treat themselves.

We know that each person can only perceive their own mind (or consciousness) but cannot directly perceive the minds of others. Therefore, we must “innately” develop the ability to assume that others have minds, and that their actions are based on their own minds and free will. This assumption allows us to engage in social interactions.

So, what happens if someone lacks the theory of mind? One intuitive effect is that they fail to perceive the people around them as "living beings." They may feel like others are robots, animals, or NPCs in a video game, unable to understand or connect with their inner world.

In fact, many symptoms and issues are closely related to the theory of mind, which will be discussed in detail below.

 

 

These two physiological mechanisms, along with normal emotional abilities—namely, the ability to generate emotions in response to external stimuli—together form our "empathy" ability. In this process:

• Mirror neurons are responsible for input: When we see someone suffer, our mirror neurons are activated, causing us to react in a similar way.
• Emotional ability is responsible for processing: This reaction activates our internal emotional responses, prompting us to recall similar experiences from the past and feel the same emotions, such as pain, sadness, anger, etc.
• Theory of mind is responsible for output: The other person is like me, my equal, so they are likely to experience similar emotions. Since I feel pain/sadness/anger, I assume the other person feels the same way. I hope to alleviate their negative emotions, just as I would wish to alleviate my own.

These are the three pillars of empathy, and they form the foundation for communication and connection with others.

 

 

II

So, is empathy a "high-level" or "acquired" ability? Actually, no. Empathy is largely a result of evolution and is an important ability that has helped humans survive and reproduce.

One example is that mirror neurons are not unique to humans. In fact, the earliest mirror neurons were discovered in rhesus monkeys. Further research has shown that similar functions already existed in the primitive brain regions of primates. This suggests that empathy-like abilities might have been present in early human evolution. (Alegre et al., 2010; Moretti, 2016; Mukamel et al., 2010)

We know that our human ancestors were social animals. In social groups, the ability to understand the attitudes, psychology, and emotions of others was crucial for an individual’s successful integration into the group and, consequently, their survival. It can be imagined that it was this basic empathy ability that allowed our ancestors to survive and eventually develop into modern human civilization.

Similarly, research on theory of mind has found that children as young as 13-15 months old can perform tasks involving theory of mind (Onishi & Baillargeon, 2005; Träuble et al., 2010; Tauzin et al., 2018). This suggests that theory of mind is likely innate, imprinted in our brains. Even before learning language or understanding the environment, we are already capable of thinking about "other people's thoughts."

So, when does theory of mind fully develop? The answer is: around 4 years old. Studies on children show that by the age of 4, children can think from another person’s perspective just like adults (Wellman, 2004; Wellman & Peterson, 2012).

As mentioned earlier, many symptoms and issues are closely related to theory of mind. For example, the causes of autism may be connected to theory of mind. Some studies have found that, compared to their peers, 80% of children with autism cannot pass theory of mind tests (Baron-Cohen et al., 1985); and in all autistic patients, more or less theory of mind dysfunction is observed (Happé F, Frith U, 1996).

This may indicate that children with autism have difficulty understanding "other people's perspectives," which makes it hard for them to understand others and the external world.

Now, what happens if someone has a normal theory of mind but lacks emotional ability? This could lead to a dangerous outcome: certain negative personality traits.

Research has found that people with certain negative personality traits, while able to pass theory of mind tests, have weaker emotional abilities and find it harder to elicit emotional responses. As a result, they may have difficulty understanding others' pain, sadness, or despair (Baris Korkmaz, 2011).

In other words, their theory of mind is not fully developed. They "know" what emotional reactions others will have, but they can't experience or truly understand what those emotions feel like or what consequences they may have.

This is why we sometimes see individuals who take pleasure in abusing animals or manipulate others emotionally. Many people may wonder, "Why are they capable of such things? Don’t they feel guilty?" They probably do not. The reason is that their theory of mind is incomplete, causing them to lack empathy and fail to truly understand others' feelings. As a result, they don't see what they are doing as wrong.

It's important to emphasize that this situation is not the same as autism, so please do not confuse the two. Many people with autism have kind hearts, full of love for the world. They just don't know how to express themselves or communicate with others.

If you have the chance to interact with someone with autism, please do not discriminate against them. Instead, be patient and take the time to engage with them, enter their world, and slowly help them break the "ice."

 

III

Of course, the situations described above are extreme examples. In reality, the vast majority of people have normal situations, but the three physiological foundations of empathy can vary in strength. This difference in strength leads to variations in our ability to empathize.

So, is being overly empathetic good or bad? And if this overly strong ability to empathize starts to affect your life and cause distress, what should you do?

A simple conclusion is: if emotional empathy greatly exceeds cognitive empathy, that is not good; conversely, if cognitive empathy and emotional empathy are balanced, that is good.

I have mentioned in many articles that empathy can be roughly divided into two types: emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. The former means that your heart will generate the same feelings as the other person, experiencing their pain, sadness, or loss. The latter means that you know what state the other person is in, what kind of emotions they are experiencing, but you can distinguish yourself from these emotions and think and act rationally.

For example: faced with the same embarrassing situation, a person with strong emotional empathy would recall a similar experience and once again fall into the same awkward feeling, truly understanding that "the other person is likely feeling this way."

On the other hand, a person with strong cognitive empathy would recall a similar memory and immediately understand: "This situation is embarrassing, so the other person is likely feeling awkward right now."

These two types of empathy are linked to different brain areas. Emotional empathy is primarily related to the insula and cingulate cortex, corresponding to what we discussed earlier as "emotional ability." Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is related to areas such as the medial prefrontal cortex and inferior frontal gyrus, corresponding to what we discussed earlier as "theory of mind." Adding in mirror neurons, we form the three physiological systems of empathy.

In daily life, most of the problems we face because of empathy are actually related to excessive emotional empathy. People who rely too much on emotional empathy often suffer from emotional waves, and this emotional turbulence consumes a lot of resources to manage. As a result, they often lack the cognitive resources to think about "what should I do in this situation?"

Furthermore, such individuals often have weaker emotional resilience, so when emotions strike, they easily lose control over their thoughts and actions — in other words, they are overwhelmed before they even start acting.

Think about it: could your distress stem from this? When a friend confides in you, do you get more upset than they are? Do you find it hard to detach from other people's unfortunate experiences? Do you always worry about accidentally offending or hurting others?

These are fundamentally due to an excess of emotional empathy, where small things can trigger overwhelming emotional responses, leading to internal conflict.

A simple principle is this: no matter who you are or what situation you're in, it's difficult to take good actions and make good responses when overwhelmed by emotions. Because emotions can drain your cognitive resources, leaving you with little room to think carefully about how to act.

IV

So, does relying on cognitive empathy and minimizing emotional empathy always lead to better outcomes? Not necessarily.

The reason is simple: As we discussed earlier, cognitive empathy corresponds to theory of mind, and emotional empathy corresponds to emotional ability. If the former is too strong and the latter too weak, what happens? It can easily lead to a result: indifference.

What does an indifferent person look like? When listening to someone else’s problems, they may appear warm and patient on the surface, but deep inside, they are actually uninterested, and they don't genuinely feel the other person's emotions. They simply "know" how to respond or what to say.

Of course, excluding extreme cases, the "indifference" of most people is not a normal state, but rather a form of self-protection. Because experiencing too many emotional impacts is taxing on the brain, sometimes the brain may choose to shut down its emotional channels to avoid overloading resources.

But this isn't ideal. It’s better not to rely too much on it or let it dominate your state, as this could lead to losing concern for others, becoming distant, and being unable to truly connect with others' hearts.

So, what is the better state? It’s consciously and actively balancing the two, aiming for about 50%:50%.

Psychologist Mark Davis calls this state "Empathic Concern." Simply put, it works like this:

1. First, use mirror neurons to perceive the other person's state.
2. Then, engage in emotional empathy to feel their emotions.
3. Finally, use cognitive empathy to think about what the other person needs and what you can offer them.

You will find that this is consistent with the "three pillars of empathy" discussed earlier. In fact, this is the ideal and standard "empathy" process. Whether emotional empathy or cognitive empathy is too strong, both break this balance and lead to "unhealthy empathy."

So, if your emotional empathy is too strong, what can you do to improve?

Try this exercise: When you find yourself immersed in a certain emotion, don’t just stay there. Instead, try to detach yourself and ask yourself two questions:

1. If my best friend were in this situation, what would I say to them?
2. If the person I admire, or my future self, saw me like this, what would they say to me?

You don't need to have an answer, and it’s not necessary to solve the problem right away. Just practicing this way of thinking can be extremely beneficial.

Doing this can effectively suppress the brain regions related to emotions and activate the areas related to rational thinking, helping you practice switching between emotional and cognitive empathy.

 

V

Finally, let’s briefly talk about some considerations related to empathy, which may help resolve some of your doubts.

1. The Pitfall of Emotional Empathy: Venting Together and Becoming Obsessed

Many people who rely too much on emotional empathy often find themselves in a situation where, when someone confides in them, they easily become “allies” in frustration, venting together and pushing the problem further into negativity.

While this may sometimes help with emotional release, more often it leads to irrationality, causing people to become absorbed in their emotions and make unreasonable decisions. This is ultimately unhelpful for solving the problem.

Next time, when you feel yourself and the other person are caught up in pointless venting and mutual frustration, remind yourself that it might be time to bring cognitive empathy back into the conversation to discuss the issue more rationally and calmly.

2. The Pitfall of Cognitive Empathy: Talking Too Much and Listening Too Little

This is a mistake that many people often make.

When people listen to others' troubles, their first reaction is often: "This is just a small issue. You shouldn’t react this strongly. Here’s what you should do instead — that’s the rational approach..." They try to make decisions for the other person and immediately solve the problem.

But everyone isn’t foolish. Doesn’t the other person know that the issue isn’t that important? Don’t they know what the best course of action is? Of course they do. When someone confides in you, they aren’t asking for advice; they are seeking emotional support and hoping you will validate their feelings.

So, in these moments, make sure to listen more and speak less, ask more questions and offer fewer suggestions, and affirm rather than negate. First, make the other person feel that you respect them, their emotions are valid, and that you understand them — only then will they be able to calm down. Your comfort and support will be meaningful.

3. How to Improve Empathy? Read More Stories

You might be wondering: what are some ways to improve empathy and communicate better with others? A simple and effective method is to read more novels.

Many studies have shown similar results. For example:

• Reading novels, compared to reading reference books or not reading at all, can improve theory of mind abilities (Kidd & Castano, 2013).
• The more novels you read, the higher your score tends to be in empathy tests (Mar et al., 2006).
• Reading novels that reflect real life can increase readers’ empathy toward specific groups of people in the real world (Vezzali et al., 2015).

The reason is simple: reading novels is essentially a way of projecting your own feelings onto others. It serves as a simulation of real life. On one hand, it helps reveal the situations, states, and emotions different people might experience in various circumstances. On the other hand, it also trains your ability to empathize with and feel for different groups of people, activating relevant areas of your brain more frequently.

 

I hope today’s article helps you better understand "empathy."

I also hope that in our lives, we can all strive to be warm, kind, and steadfast individuals—able to provide energy to those around us while also maintaining our sense of self and avoiding excessive internal conflict.