Many people may have heard the unfamiliar term "Grooming" for the first time during this period.

This word originally meant "trimming" or "brushing" in English, sounding soft and intimate, as if it were the action of an owner gently smoothing a pet's fur. There is currently no commonly used specific Chinese word corresponding to "Grooming". Some people directly translate it as "sexual grooming" or "sexual predation".

Recently, a series of events in the East Asian entertainment industry have brought this word into the public eye frequently.

The sudden death of South Korean actress Kim Sae - ron and the subsequent accusation of actor Kim Soo - hyun by her family quickly stirred up an舆论 storm. For a while, some accused Kim Soo - hyun of being a pedophile, while others thought it was a tragic love story.

Some public opinions questioned, "Why didn't you leave earlier?" Just like many victims of Grooming, they got caught in a difficult - to - describe predicament. Even before asking for help, they had already been labeled as "imperfect victims" and abandoned by morality and society.

Therefore, today we'll talk about Grooming, about how those relationships labeled as "love" gradually turn into harm and exploitation.

Grooming ≠ "Pedophilia"

When people first come across the concept of "Grooming", they easily confuse it with "pedophilia". However, the two are not exactly the same.

In psychological research, pedophilia (Pedophilia) refers to a persistent and strong sexual desire and sexual fantasy towards children before puberty (usually under 13 years old). This kind of desire has strict clinical criteria, such as lasting for more than half a year and causing damage to social functions. [3] This is a concept highly related to sex. Huang Zijiao, who was accused of collecting many child pornographic films, undoubtedly fits this definition.

In contrast, although Grooming may also involve sexual abuse of minors, its core characteristic is manipulation and abuse of power. American psychologist Frederick Berlin pointed out, "The essence of Grooming is not simply driven by sexual desire. More commonly, the motivation is the sense of control and the desire to dominate power." [4]

That is to say, the essence of Grooming is not simply "pedophilia". More accurately, it is a systematic psychological control and power manipulation. In a relationship with unequal power, the powerful party gradually erodes the psychological defense line of the vulnerable party through careful arrangement and manipulation, and finally gains complete control over the other party.

Vanessa Springora described in her memoir "Consent", "They said I wasn't a victim but an accomplice."

This is one of the most typical phenomena of Grooming: shaping the victim as a co - conspirator, so that the real manipulative relationship is misunderstood as a mutual - consent relationship. Sexual groomers are especially good at creating the illusion of "consent".

The breeding ground for Grooming: Relationships with unequal power

Sometimes, Grooming starts with a "gentle light". It's not until many years later that you realize it wasn't love but a "carefully planned invasion".

In the view of sociologist Allan G. Johnson, roles define a person's position in the structure, and the essential inequality between roles determines whether so - called "consent" is valid. He wrote in his book "The Forest and the Trees", "In a relationship with a huge power gap, there is no real free choice. 'Consent' is just a fig leaf for those in power in the system." [7]

In relationships between teachers and students, bosses and interns, and well - known singers and newbies in the industry, the issue of "who controls the resources" is often obvious.

When the control of resources enters an intimate relationship, it becomes more complicated - it's no longer as simple as having control of a salary card. Instead, it's like "his praise is my entire self - evaluation", "Only when he says I'm special do I feel I'm not useless."

Psychologist Aaron T. Beck put forward a classic view: Human self - cognition is based on external feedback. Especially during adolescence, a large part of a person's self - cognition of "who I am" comes from the affirmation or negation of close people. [8]

This is the starting point for Grooming manipulators. They make you feel selected and unique by saying "I like you", "I understand you", "I have high hopes for you". Then, they subtly invade your personality construction with seemingly harmless words:

"You're not a kid anymore."

"You're much more sensible than others."

"You're the smartest girl I've ever met."

...

On the surface, these are praises, but in fact, they are a form of framing - you have to meet his definition of "special" to be worthy of his continued attention and love. At this time, you are no longer living for yourself but acting out the script he wrote for you.

Vanessa Springora wrote in "Consent", "They said I was in control, but in fact, he gave me a script and made me think those were my own words."

How Grooming lures people into traps

In the fields of psychology and sociology, Grooming is widely studied and regarded as a gradual manipulation process:

1. Building trust and emotional connection Initially, the manipulator builds the victim's trust and dependence through care, attention, and even gifts. This initial "giving" makes the victim feel warm and even generates gratitude and an emotional connection. Amia Srinivasan, the author of "The Right to Sex", pointed out, "When the relatively powerless party consents to have sex with the powerful party, is it really consent? In such a relationship, the power gap often distorts the victim's perception, making them believe they are in control." [2]

2. Blurring boundaries Next, the manipulator gradually blurs personal boundaries. It progresses from showing care and providing help in public to entering private spaces, such as having private meetings, offering personalized care, and even gradually starting physical contact. Sociologist David Finkelhor proposed that the manipulator's goal is to make the victim gradually adapt to "cross - boundary" behaviors through a step - by - step approach, making it difficult for the victim to clearly refuse. [5] Just as Springora recalled her experience of being manipulated at the age of 14, "Each step seemed voluntary until I realized that the boundaries had been quietly erased." [1]

3. Creating a sense of co - conspiracy As the relationship develops, the manipulator often offers so - called "benefits" or "favors", such as gifts, money, or even power and resources. The purpose is to create a psychological debt, making the victim feel indebted and difficult to resist subsequent requests. Just as in "The Little Mermaid of Mr. Li", Li Guohua gave gifts to Fang Siqi and insisted they were "gifts of love". In fact, it created a psychological barrier for subsequent violations, making Fang Siqi unable to resist and even blame herself.

4. Comprehensive control Finally, the manipulator achieves comprehensive control over the victim's life, including emotions, behavioral decisions, and self - worth perception. The victim's self - awareness is gradually swallowed up, and it becomes difficult for them to realize their situation. Social psychologists Craven et al. pointed out in a 2006 study, "Grooming is not just a means to obtain sexual contact. It is a more comprehensive psychological manipulation process. Its core goal is to isolate the victim, create dependence, and ultimately control their behavior and perception of reality." [6]

The surface tenderness and kindness of Grooming cover up the gradual erosion of a person's psychology and personality.

A "social blindness": Why don't victims refuse? Our imagination of the perpetrator often leans towards the extreme. He should be a gloomy, wretched, and disgusting monster. But in many cases, the perpetrator's mask is "gentleness".

They are patient, knowledgeable, willing to listen to you, and willing to teach you to grow. They never even force you. They subtly implant the signal of "I understand you, I know you better than yourself" in every conversation.

 Social psychology researchers Craven, Brown, and Gilchrist pointed out in their research on sexual predation behavior, "Perpetrators often have high social skills, strong emotional manipulation skills, and gradually gain psychological control over the victim by building trust." [6]

In many cases, victims of Grooming don't feel pain at first. Instead, they think they are happy, special, and proactive - this is called "adaptive cognitive distortion" in psychology: when they can't escape, they convince themselves that this is what they want.

Trauma psychologist Judith Herman pointed out that when facing the harm caused by unequal power, humans naturally have three instinctive reactions: running away, fighting back, and freezing. The most common ones are freezing and submission. [9] 

Because when you think you can't refuse, you can only pretend it's an "adventure of love". And this reaction often appears as "enjoyment" in the eyes of outsiders. 

So some people say the victim is scheming, some say she is cooperating, and some wonder why she still contacts him and sends him messages later. But few people realize a more cruel fact: The only choice left for those victims is to "make it less bad".

How to recognize, disassemble, and resist Grooming In recent years, incidents of sexual harassment, abuse of power, and Grooming have emerged one after another. We thought we were getting better at recognizing the form of harm, but every time, the direction of public opinion is always shocking. Here are some suggestions to help you better protect yourself:

1. Keep your boundaries with those in power Intimacy is not a problem, but blurred boundaries are. For those with a power gap with you (teachers, bosses, mentors, etc.), try to meet in public spaces, keep records of communication content, and refuse unnecessary private interactions. Don't be afraid of "seeming inhumane". Your boundaries are your respect for yourself.

2. Recognize the manipulation behind "kindness" If someone always shows up when you're tired, down, or failing; if they often belittle others and over - estimate you in front of you; if they say "Only I understand you", "You're not as vulgar as them"... Remember that these are often the tricks manipulators use to build dependence. Don't mistake manipulation for deep affection.

3. Ask yourself: Do I have an equal right to choose in this relationship? True "free consent" means that even if I say "no", I won't lose basic respect, opportunities, and personal safety. If you feel you can't refuse someone's "kindness", it's not a real free choice.

4. Don't be ashamed to ask for help You may think "it hasn't happened yet, so it's hard to talk about" or "the other person is too powerful, and no one will believe me". But timely help - seeking and record - keeping can greatly reduce your chance of falling into a Grooming trap. You can turn to a psychological counseling center or confide in trusted relatives and friends - you don't have to bear all the unease alone. When recognizing and preventing Grooming behavior, legal regulations also provide a crucial protection mechanism.

Written at the end The famous Spanish painter Picasso once said at the age of 42, when he was married and at the peak of his career, "I met a 17 - year - old girl at the peak of my life, and she was also at 'her peak'." 

Comedian Hannah Gadsby mentioned this when she did her 2018 special "Nanette". She said, "Picasso was wrong in his arrogance. He thought he could represent all perspectives. And we were wrong in ignoring the perspective of a 17 - year - old girl. We believed her potential could never exceed Picasso's."

In that performance, at the age of 40, she said, "Seventeen is absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely not the peak of a woman's life. I'm at the peak of my life! Come and challenge me if you dare! I bet no one will, because you all know that there's nothing more powerful than a woman who has been broken but rebuilt herself."

[1]（Le Consentement）2023（Vanessa Springora） 

[2]  Right to Sex  （2024）   Amia Srinivasan 

[3] American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

[4] Berlin, F. S. (2014). Pedophilia and DSM-5: The importance of clearly defining the nature of a pedophilic disorder.

[5] Finkelhor, D. (1984). Child sexual abuse. New York, 101-15.

[6] Craven, S., Brown, S., & Gilchrist, E. (2006). Sexual grooming of children: Review of literature and theoretical considerations. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 12(3), 287–299.

[7] Johnson, A. G. (1997). The forest and the trees: Sociology as life, practice, and promise. Temple University Press.

[8] Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. Penguin.

[9] Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence--from domestic abuse to political terror. Hachette uK.