Sometimes, it's some seemingly "trivial" things that make people lose faith in the relationship.

Previously, a reader told us that their love ended because of a piece of furniture that was taken away. They always thought there wasn't any major principled issue until one day, despite their repeated objections and without their approval, their partner took away a beloved piece of furniture from home.

This makes me think of an interview with psychotherapist Esther Perel I watched before. One of her viewpoints impressed me deeply:

In an intimate relationship, it's not only "infidelity" that is betrayal. Ignoring the other's needs, breaking promises, emotional and physical violence... These could all be forms of betrayal. Infidelity is just one form of hurting a partner.

An incident in the relationship can completely change your trust in this person and shatter your previous perception of the relationship. If you've had such an experience, you may have experienced "attachment injury".

What is attachment injury? You're not there when I need you most.

Attachment injury refers to the feeling of being abandoned and betrayed by the other person that an individual in an intimate relationship perceives at a critical moment when they need support (Johnson, 1999; Millikin, 2001).

For example, infidelity is the most obvious form of betrayal. Besides infidelity, attachment injury has many other manifestations:

For instance, when one party suffers from a serious illness or the family encounters a major change, they don't receive support and care from their partner; or during special periods like pregnancy or miscarriage, they don't feel the partner's concern and attention.

It can even be some seemingly trivial things in the eyes of others: like not getting a hug when needed, or the partner being on a continuous overtime shift on the wedding anniversary without making a single phone call.

It's very likely that one party in the relationship is completely unaware while the other has already "suffered the greatest sorrow, which is the death of the heart".

Some people may ask: Infidelity is attachment injury, and not getting a hug is also attachment injury. How exactly is this injury defined? Does it mean I've betrayed my girlfriend if I forget to call her good - night one day because I'm busy at work?

It's a bit hard to understand. Let's first look at a few "attachment injury" scenarios from family therapy cases (Johnson & Millikin, 2001):

Case 1: The wife left out of the family photo

The wife was accidentally left out when her husband's family was taking a family photo. This greatly changed her perception of the marital relationship, making her feel unimportant in her husband's eyes. At that time, she had just immigrated to this new country and didn't know anyone except her husband.

Case 2: The hug that never came

A couple came for counseling. The husband complained that his wife didn't accompany him to activities. When he, encouraged by the counselor, asked his wife for a hug, the wife exploded and told a story from 16 years ago:

It was a winter afternoon. When he came back from work, he saw that she was sick, in a low mood, and still had to take care of three children. She asked him to hug her for a while, but the husband went out and made a long - distance call.

It was at that moment that the wife vowed in her heart that she would never seek comfort from him again.

Case 3: The miscarriage incident

Liza was alone in the bathroom, surrounded by blood, when she had a miscarriage. At that moment, her husband Bob walked in. She hoped so much that he would squat down, hug her, comfort her, and take care of her. She wished they could be alone, without calling anyone else.

But Bob seemed very cold. He walked out to make a phone call and asked his sister to take them to the hospital. When she cried, he would walk out of the room.

Even though her sister and husband were around, she felt that she had to get through this moment of loss by herself. It was a strong sense of fear of being abandoned.

You'll find that in these cases of attachment injury, "what happened" is not important. What the parties "felt" is what matters. Except for the parties involved, no one can judge whether a specific behavior is an "attachment injury".

Feelings are the greatest truth. There's no need to compare pains, and there's no right or wrong in feelings. When you feel your needs being ignored in an intimate relationship where you originally expected high - level support, and when you experience the feeling of being abandoned and isolated in a relationship where you should have a high sense of security, "attachment injury" has already occurred.

What impact does attachment injury bring to a relationship?

Yes, attachment injury is very likely an unintentional mistake of the other party, but it will bring real harm to the parties involved and the relationship. Here are the possible impacts:

Impact on the individual:

1. A subversive change in the perception of the relationship and the other person

The deep - seated attachment relationship is a highly trusting relationship (Hazan et al., 1999). When we decide to enter and maintain a relationship, we all hold this belief:

That person will be there when I need them.

The occurrence of attachment injury shatters this belief, which means the core belief that holds your bond together is destroyed.

You'll start to refuse to trust the other person and show your vulnerability to them. When you need to trust or rely on your partner, you'll feel very painful. Just like the saying goes: The saddest thing is not that you lied to me, but that I can never trust you again.

2. Doubting self - worth

Because the shattering of the past belief is so painful, a person often looks for reasons within themselves and thus doubts their self - worth:

Am I not worthy of being loved?

3. An experience similar to trauma

More and more studies consider the betrayal of a romantic partner as a form of interpersonal trauma. 30% to 60% of the betrayed people experience clinically significant post - traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety symptoms (Lonergan et al., 2020).

The injured partner may show characteristic symptoms of post - traumatic stress disorder: such as flashbacks of images and feelings, intrusive memories, avoidance and numbness, overthinking, over - defensiveness, etc.

4. It may also be an opportunity for self - growth

A study conducted in - depth interviews with 4 women who had experienced attachment injury (Cate Pelling, 2004) and found that the attachment injury incident could also be an opportunity for self - awareness awakening: for example, realizing the unequal contribution in the relationship and establishing more nourishing relationships outside.

Impact on the relationship:

If attachment injury cannot be detected and addressed in a timely manner, it is very likely to have a continuous negative impact on the relationship:

Both parties in the relationship will be reluctant to make excessive emotional investments, communication will break down, conflicts will intensify, and it will be extremely difficult to return to a state of trust and intimacy (Johnson, 2004).

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) points out that after experiencing attachment injury, the relationship is likely to fall into a negative interaction pattern of "one chasing and the other fleeing":

The injured party will often mention this incident to express blame, and the other party will adopt a defensive posture and not respond directly.

The way the two people handle attachment injury directly affects the direction of the relationship. If the negative cycle continues, the trust and attachment relationship will become increasingly difficult to repair.

How to repair attachment injury?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been proven to be an effective method to solve the problem of attachment injury. Studies have found that most couples who have gone through EFT have obtained a deeper level of intimate experience (Susan, 2006).

If you haven't received couple therapy yet, these suggestions may help you in life:

If you're the injured party:

1. Don't put yourself in the position of a "victim". Accept the harm this incident has brought to you, and at the same time realize that you always have the option to do something to make yourself feel better.
2. Recognize the negative interaction pattern and think about whether this is the result you want. If not, what do you want?
3. Reconstruct the meaning of the injury incident to yourself: Besides the harm, what have you gained from it? For example, realizing the inequality in the relationship or seeing your long - ignored needs?
4. Make a choice: Do you want to repair this relationship or leave?
5. Establish a new relationship bond: By practicing understanding and expressing your emotions and needs, establish a new supportive relationship.

If you're the party who caused the injury:

1. Respond now, and then explain later: Listen to your partner's pain. Don't rush to interrupt or deny. Try to understand, even though it may be a bit difficult.
2. Let the other person know that you're sorry: Through your expression, let the other person know that you care about their feelings.
3. Let the other person know that you'll make efforts and won't let the same thing happen again.
4. Explain on the premise that the other person is willing: When the other person begins to emotionally accept you, ask if they're willing to listen to your explanation. Telling them what you were thinking at that time can help clarify and repair the relationship.
5. Be vigilant against compound injury: After the repair, if your partner feels a similar injury again, trust will be even more difficult to repair. If you care about this relationship, don't let it happen. After all, no one wants to be hurt twice.

According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the couple/lovers who receive counseling will go through 8 steps:

1. The injured party tells the attachment injury incident in a highly emotional way, and attacks and accusations are very likely to occur. For example, the wife who suddenly exploded when her husband wanted a hug in the above case.
2. The accused party will enter a defensive mode: deny the incident, deny the severity of the incident, or simply refuse to discuss it.
3. The injured party starts to move from simple emotional outburst to a calmer stage, begins to get along with/talk to their emotions, and sees the unmet needs behind the emotions.
4. The accused party starts to listen and understand what this incident means to the other person.
5. The injured party starts to make an attempt: instead of blaming, they tell how this incident has made them feel and expose their vulnerability to the other person.
6. The party who caused the injury will feel sympathy, regret, and remorse, admit the harm they've brought to the other person, and affirm the other person's feelings.
7. The injured partner tries to trust and rely on the other person again: for example, expressing their desire to be comforted and taken care of.
8. The party who caused the injury immediately gives the response the other person needs to repair the injury incident.

In this process, steps 3 and 5 are regarded as the key stages to promote repair. In counseling, the changes that occur in this process are called "softening". You can understand it as the injured partner starting to step out of the hard shell of emotions, touching the vulnerable part under the shell, and being willing to expose their vulnerability.

Finally, I'd like to share a quote from psychotherapist Esther Perel:

Can trust be rebuilt after an injury? Yes.

The rebuilt trust is different from the initial trust. It may be a more mature trust rather than unconditional trust. It's rooted in reality.

This means that on the basis of understanding each other, we have the ability to tolerate the unknown again and live with the things we'll never know.

S. Johnson et al.， Attachment injuries in couple relationships: a new perspective on impasses in couples therapy，Journal of marital and family therapy，2001，DOI:10.1111/J.1752-0606.2001.TB01152.X

Susan M Johnson  et al.， Resolving Attachment Injuries in Couples Using Emotionally Focused Therapy: Steps Toward Forgiveness and Reconciliation，Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology ，2007，DOI:10.1037/0022-006X.74.6.1055

Mostafa Dehghani et al.，Comparison of Attachment Injury Resolution Model and Integrative Couple Therapy on Trust Reconstruction among the Injured Women by Marital Infidelity，The American Journal of Family Therapy ，2021，https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2021.19672