To be honest, the biggest "function" of my boyfriend is that he cured my insomnia.

Before I met him, it was common for me to lie awake with random thoughts until 2 a.m.

After moving in with my boyfriend, as long as he lies beside me, I almost fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Moreover, I sleep for eight or nine hours at a stretch, and according to him, I even snore...

Coincidentally, I came across a study some time ago that said, "Better sleep comes from sleeping with a partner, rather than sleeping alone."

Today, let's talk about sleeping with a partner.

I. What does sleeping with a partner mean?

Actually, sleeping better with a partner is a kind of "trust in an intimate relationship."

In psychology, trust in an intimate relationship refers to (Rempel, 1985): One party can unconsciously predict the other party's physical actions (such as stroking, kissing, sleeping, etc.), rely on this behavior, and firmly believe that this behavior will not harm oneself and is beneficial.

It is an important foundation for the stability of an intimate relationship and originates from infancy.

A 2015 study on infant sleep showed that 87% of infants' sleep is not real sleep but light sleep to conserve energy under crisis. Only when they realize that the outside world is safe will they enter the deep - sleep mode.

Experiments show that if an infant senses the mother's breast or the corner of the parent's clothes leaving during sleep, they will wake up immediately and protest by crying.

If a pacifier that can replace the breast and the corner of the clothes are put back into their mouth and hand, they will stop crying immediately and fall into a deep sleep.

Both Erikson's eight - stage theory of personality and Bowlby's attachment theory mention that when children are between 0 and 1 years old, they need caregivers to meet their sense of security, and only then will infants develop trust in their parents and the environment.

On this basis, Dr. Henning Drews found through the monitoring of sleep brainwaves that when infants feel the mother's smell and heartbeat during sleep, it will stimulate the part of the brain responsible for the sense of security: the familiar smell and heartbeat will bring them a sense of security and dependence.

After adulthood, this trust will gradually generalize to partners or familiar things, forming "trust in an intimate relationship." It cultivates our trust and sense of security in dealing with the environment, so that we can relax our vigilance against crises and sleep well.

My friend Lucy always holds a thick red cloth strip when she sleeps. This is because when she was a child, her parents were busy with work. Often, her mother took her to work and put her on a thick cloth quilt and then went to do her own work.

Lucy felt her parents' departure, cried loudly, and waved her little hands trying to grab them.

One day, when she cried so hard, her mother simply stuffed the corner of the quilt into her hand.

Unexpectedly, the rough cloth felt like her mother's hand, and Lucy soon fell asleep.

Over time, that thick cloth strip became Lucy's sleeping pill. This is an embodiment of trust in an intimate relationship.

Because of the cloth strip, she believes that the surrounding environment is safe and trustworthy, so she can fall asleep with peace of mind.

Just like some people like to hug a quilt when sleeping, and some people like to hold a doll when sleeping.

These behaviors are also a form of "trust in an intimate relationship," only with different objects and actions. Therefore, sleeping with a partner means: I trust the other person.

When sleeping, they are the "breast," the "corner of the clothes," and the "thick cloth," which can make vulnerable me feel safe during sleep.

II. What are the benefits of sleeping with a trusted partner? Drews' 2017 study found that when you sleep with a partner who makes you trust and feel at ease, because of a strong sense of security, there are many benefits for sleep:

1. Better sleep quality Some people object.

Why does it have to be a partner? Can't it be a friend? A child? Parents? A cat or a dog?

To verify this view, in 2022, researchers recruited 1007 adult participants, including single people, married people, people with children, and people with pets.

They mainly studied three questions: How well do you sleep with a partner? How well do you sleep with a child? How well do you sleep with others (your own parents, pets, friends, strangers)?

 

The results showed that in terms of sleep quality ranking: partner > friend > pet > parent > child > stranger.

 

People who sleep with a partner have far better sleep quality.

 

Specifically: The total sleep time increased by an average of 3 hours, and memory and creativity improved by 16.1% compared to before sleep.

The sleep monitoring charts of the participants who slept with strangers showed that they woke up more frequently.

In 8 hours of sleep, they woke up an average of 13 times, and the most frequent one woke up 21 times.

The monitoring charts of the participants who slept with a trusted partner showed that in 8 hours of sleep, they woke up only 3 times on average.

In addition, the participants who slept with strangers or children had a higher risk of sleep apnea than those who slept with a partner.

 Their self - reports showed that they couldn't trust the other person when sleeping with them and lacked a sense of security. Even if the other person was lying there quietly, they would feel greater pressure and have difficulty falling asleep. There is also a very strange phenomenon.

The better the relationship between a couple, the less their sleep is disturbed even when they move their hands and feet a lot during sleep.

2. Better sleep state Sleep state refers to the form that a person shows when sleeping.

Opposite to the awake state, there are four stages of sleep, namely: Falling asleep Light sleep Deep sleep Rapid eye movement sleep These four stages form a cycle, which is about 90 - 120 minutes.

Among them, rapid eye movement sleep has the greatest impact on our sleep state. It can effectively consolidate memory, regulate emotions, and deal with stress.

The longer the rapid eye movement sleep time, the better the stress and emotions are processed, and the better the sleep state. If the proportion of falling - asleep and light - sleep stages in the total sleep time is too high, you will have difficulty getting up in the morning, feel weak when waking up, and feel more tired after sleeping.

 Researchers found that compared with the participants who slept with strangers, children, or parents (blue), those who slept with a trusted partner (red) fell asleep 2 minutes earlier on average and had 4 minutes less light - sleep time on average.

At the same time, the time of the rapid eye movement sleep stage (REM Sleep), which occupies the main sleep state, was extended by an average of 6 minutes. The results are shown in the following figure:

 

It can be said that as long as the right person is by your side, you will fall asleep very quickly.

At the same time, the rapid eye movement sleep time increases. On this basis, the stress during the day is better dealt with.

 

III. How to judge whether the other person is suitable through sleeping?

 

How can we judge through sleeping whether the other person is a trustworthy and suitable partner?

 

1. Your dream duration and content

 

A study published in "Frontiers in Psychiatry" showed that 12 couples with different levels of trust spent 4 nights in a sleep laboratory.

Two of the nights, the couples slept in the same bed, and the other two nights, they slept in different rooms.

During this period, the researchers monitored their various physiological activities.

The results showed that for couples who trusted each other, the rapid eye movement sleep (REM) time on the nights when they slept together was significantly longer than that of couples with a lower level of trust.

During rapid eye movement sleep, a person's eyes move rapidly, the body muscles relax, but the brain becomes active, and dreams appear.

95% of the vivid dreams that we can remember occur during this stage.

The longer and more stable the REM time, the better.

If you feel that you had a long and wonderful dream while sleeping and were so reluctant to wake up, it may reflect that your rapid eye movement sleep time is longer and you feel more security in this relationship.

At this time, the person sleeping beside you is most likely a suitable partner for you.

2. Whether you can fall asleep and wake up synchronously

 

Research has found that the more solid the relationship between a couple, the more synchronized their sleep stages and the better their sleep quality.

Simply put, it depends on whether our falling - asleep time, sleep efficiency (sleeping time / time in bed), and waking - up time are consistent.

Even if there is a difference, it is only one or two hours at most. Actually, it's easy to understand.

 It's hard for two people who are completely out of sync in an intimate relationship to get together, not to mention having inconsistent sleep schedules.

 I've read many submissions complaining about the other person getting up late, mostly because the two people's sleep stages are not synchronized.

One person gets up at six or seven in the morning, and the other gets up at four or five in the afternoon.

The two people only have a few hours of awake time during the day to communicate, which can easily lead to dissatisfaction from the early - rising person towards the other.

But there is still room for improvement. Research shows that even if one person has insomnia, as long as they sleep in the same bed for a longer time, the sleep stages of the couple will gradually become consistent, the insomnia symptoms will be reduced a lot, and the trust in each other will also increase greatly. (Of course, this is on the premise that both parties' work and studies are not affected.)

Therefore, in the treatment of psychogenic insomnia and marriage and family therapy, some psychologists will suggest that couples sleep in the same bed for a period of time to solve the problem.

 

In conclusion In addition to the obvious improvement in sleep quality, when sleeping with the right person, the other person's unconscious small actions can also be very touching.

 

 

For example, having your hand suddenly held in the middle of the night, getting a kiss on the lips in the middle of the night, being tightly hugged when you turn over, having your cold feet placed on the other person's stomach for warmth, and feeling your forehead being touched from time to time when you have a fever... Sleeping with the one you love, even if you do nothing, constantly reminds us that: I am being loved well.