Although we don't want to admit it, at certain times, each of us always wants to "control".

The famous behaviorist psychologist Skinner once conducted an experiment. He put 8 hungry pigeons into a box (the famous Skinner box in the history of psychology). There was a food dispenser in the box, and it was set to release food automatically every 15 seconds. That is to say, regardless of what the pigeons did, they would get a portion of food every 15 seconds.

After that, each pigeon stayed in the experimental box for a few minutes every day. Two independent observers observed and recorded the pigeons' behaviors, especially their behaviors during the intervals between two food releases.

He found that the pigeons would exhibit some strange behaviors before the food was released. Some pigeons circled counter - clockwise in the box, and some repeatedly bumped their heads into a corner above the box. The pigeons behaved as if their behaviors could produce food, as if there was a certain causal relationship between their behaviors and the appearance of food. They became superstitious, believing that they could influence the appearance of food through some behaviors.

Skinner believed that these behaviors were similar to human superstitious behaviors. For example, some people change their names to improve their fortune; in many cities in China, mothers will wear cheongsams during their children's high - school entrance exams and college entrance exams, meaning "to achieve immediate success"; some people will deliberately avoid doing certain things to avoid disasters, such as avoiding walking on the blind sidewalk to prevent possible eye injuries as mentioned before.

All these show that we are eager to master this unpredictable world. We expect to have some control over what happens to us, but in fact, we often experience helplessness, powerlessness, and our own weakness. If we believe that silently praying to the Buddha for blessing can bring good luck, such behavior can indeed comfort us and make us feel more secure in the unpredictable world.

Now let's specifically talk about several purposes that people usually achieve through "control":

Get rid of the sense of helplessness through "control".

Many novice mothers during the perinatal period will experience an extremely strong sense of helplessness. In addition to the uneasiness of being a mother for the first time, part of the helplessness comes from the baby. In the early stage, babies are in an absolutely dependent state on the outside world. Hunger and excretion are not trivial matters for them. Without the care of caregivers, it is very difficult for babies to survive. This dependent state also makes babies feel very helpless.

The state of fusion between the mother and the baby has a magical function. Mothers seem to be naturally able to sense the baby's emotions. Often as soon as the baby cries, it can immediately get the mother's response and satisfaction. The baby controls the mother through crying, not only fulfilling its survival needs but also relieving the painful emotions caused by helplessness.

In life, some people seem very clingy and even incompetent. Maybe unconsciously, they believe that their helpless behaviors can force their partners to provide them with the care and emotional support they want, just like babies get the care of caregivers through crying.

In clinical practice, we will encounter some clients who hope to get treatment at a very low cost or even for free. In addition to real economic difficulties, it may also be because they find it difficult to believe that they have the ability to take care of themselves. At an unconscious level, they think they are still "babies" and expect the "mother's" care.

If your life is always composed of a series of bad emotions and you always need others to help you manage these emotions, and the important people in your life always feel that they need to take care of you, then it is very likely that they have been responding to your "help - seeking". You are unconsciously using "helplessness" to force others to save you. In this way, you can get rid of the life difficulties and avoid experiencing the sense of helplessness.

In addition to controlling others to get rid of helplessness, we also try our best to manage our unacknowledged vulnerability and powerlessness by controlling the unpredictable environment. For example, people in the Yangtze River Basin will reinforce the dams during the rainy season to prevent floods. However, no matter how hard humans try, the current situation is still that we need to face the uncontrollable reality and predict the future. So we invest in following traditional etiquette and daily routines in an attempt to gain a sense of security - because to some extent, we know what will happen next.

In the unpredictable world, an orderly life order brings us comfort. But if it goes to the extreme, for example, some people strictly control the life order through counting, frequent hand - washing, and disinfection to deal with the anxiety caused by helplessness, it will also make life rigid, and even the whole person will fall into a compulsive state and lose emotional vitality. In this process, the people around will also be annoyed.

Avoid dependence and needs through "control"

There is a saying, "When I fall in love with you, I give you the power to hurt me."

Every time we get close to another person, and the other person becomes more and more important to us, and their behavior can increasingly affect our mood and feelings, we also experience more of our dependence and our need for others.

This makes us feel very vulnerable and extremely frightened. So, we often try to deal with our unbearable emotions by controlling another person or ensuring that we will never feel the need and dependence and living a solitary life. Because we are afraid that once we experience that someone is very important to us emotionally, we will lose control of ourselves.

If you are a person with strong jealousy and possessiveness, you may not be able to tolerate your partner having their own life and valuing others besides you. That will make you experience how dependent, weak, and in need of the other person you are. This feeling is terrible and out of control. You often try to gain a sense of control by controlling the other person's thoughts, not allowing the other person to have different ideas from yours, or monitoring their every move. You may even think that you are the stronger one and the one who provides the needs.

If you can't bear your need for others, or if your early (maybe infant or childhood) experiences tell you that dependence and need will inevitably bring harm, you may not allow anyone to get too close to you. You will unconsciously destroy the possibility of building relationships again and again, and even stay away from the crowd. You are afraid of losing control of your own emotions and feelings after valuing others, and you may even be swallowed by the fear brought by dependence.

There is also a situation where a person may manipulate others through their own dependence. For example, they keep delaying things that they should do themselves. Maybe they secretly hope that as long as they delay long enough, someone who can't stand it will do it for them.

The one who has difficulty keeping the room clean in a marriage may have a glimmer of hope that the "mother" (partner) will always help them clean up as long as they keep waiting. The apparent dependence sometimes helps us hide our real needs that we can't tolerate (we all need the help, support, and care of others), and there may even be manipulation and control behind it.

If such a conversation occurs after the consultation has been going on for some time and the consultation relationship has been established between the two parties. Then such an inquiry at this time represents a certain habitual fantasy in the client's heart, or it also reflects the dynamics between the client and the counselor.

Escape from emotions through "control"

In life, some people always seem to be in a calm mood, never getting angry or losing their temper. People around them think they are nice guys. Maybe they are using excessive control to manage their emotions. Doing so may avoid conflicts, whether they are interpersonal conflicts or internal conflicts, but it is also easy to avoid intimacy.

They are used to restricting their lives within a highly structured framework and do not allow any variables, so as to avoid experiencing some "unexpected" feelings.

We can also understand compulsive behaviors as a highly ritualized routine. They have the same function as superstitious behaviors, that is, to control unmanageable emotions (such as shame, anger, guilt, fear, helplessness, etc.). After the death of a loved one, some people may not feel any sadness temporarily. They need to keep thinking about or calculating every detail of the funeral to control the sense of collapse caused by grief and helplessness in their hearts.

If you always strictly follow your own routine, it is easy for you to be crazy about unexpected things. Maybe you rely on control to reduce the unexpected emotions in life. You are afraid of losing control of your emotions and being swallowed by those strong emotions. So you use compulsive behaviors to make yourself ignore or even not feel emotions to manage them, because you are afraid that once you feel the emotions, you will fall into a state of collapse.

Now you can carefully examine your life and evaluate the importance of your living habits. Will you be very troubled when your routine is disturbed? How do you comfort yourself when you feel helpless? If you always expect others to make decisions for your life, what are you worried about? Try to step out of your comfort zone, face the unknown, and pay attention to your own feelings.

Feeling that our lives are controllable and everything is under control, and using control to relieve emotional distress is a natural reaction of human beings and an important part of a healthy personality. However, if we over - use control to ensure security, we will also lose many precious experiences - the vulnerability, dependence, and need for others as human beings, and are more likely to lose the connection with the outside world.