Recently, I received a request for help from lucy, a visitor:

At her workplace, she feels invisible. Her colleagues often unconsciously ignore her, thinking she’s quiet and uninteresting.

But in reality, lucy has a strong desire to communicate. However, every time she tries to speak, she hesitates, worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting others.

I asked her, “Did something happen in the past that made you feel your colleagues dislike your opinions?”

Lucy shook her head. Her colleagues had never done anything specific; she just kept thinking:

• “He has so much more experience than me; he probably doesn’t need my input.”
• “My life is so ordinary; even if I share something, no one will find it interesting.”

She would overthink for ages and end up unable to find a reason to speak, becoming more and more silent.

I finally realized that it wasn’t her colleagues who defeated her but the imagined version of them in her mind.

In other words, she was denying herself. The more she thought, the deeper she fell into the trap of overthinking.

If you’ve had similar experiences, it might mean you’re also caught in the cycle of overthinking.

Learning how to rescue yourself is the first step to regaining ease and confidence.

What are the typical signs of overthinking?

What does overthinking feel like? My friend Ayin knows it all too well.

Ayin is someone who tends to overthink a lot. She described to me how, whenever things don’t go smoothly or she feels uncertain, a “little voice” pops up in her head, pouring cold water on her thoughts.

1. Over-focusing on one’s flaws and shortcomings

Once, at a company potluck, Ayin—who isn’t skilled in cooking—spent half a day preparing a dish from her hometown.

At first, she was quite excited, but when she saw everyone else’s dishes, each looking more exquisite than the last, she started to doubt herself.

The “little voice” sprang up and told her:

• “Look at everyone else’s dishes—they look delicious. Yours isn’t even as good as what you’d get from a fast-food place. Better not show off.”

In the end, she hesitated for a long time before timidly presenting her dish, apologizing, “I’m not good at cooking; just have a taste if you’d like.”

The dish itself wasn’t bad, but Ayin’s lack of confidence made her colleagues lose interest in trying it.

Most of it was left untouched, which only made Ayin feel even worse.

(2) Catastrophizing

Once, Ayin bought a dress she had long admired online. The neckline was slightly low, and as she stood in front of the mirror hesitating, the "little voice" reappeared:

• "The neckline is so low—what if you accidentally expose yourself?"
• "This style is so bold; people on the street will definitely stare at you."
• "This dress is so different from your usual outfits. What will your friends and relatives say if they ask about it?"

In an instant, Ayin imagined a terrifying scenario where she became the target of scrutiny, ridicule, and teasing—all because of a single dress.

After much deliberation, she opted for the safest choice, a sweatshirt, while the dress was relegated to her wardrobe, collecting dust.

(3) Misplaced Self-Blame

Ayin is a good person, but she struggles with making strong connections with others because her overly cautious demeanor often makes people feel uncomfortable.

One time, she invited a friend to a museum, only to find it was closed that day.

Her friend didn’t think it was a big deal, but Ayin panicked completely.

She felt guilty for wasting her friend’s time and apologized repeatedly, insisting on treating them to a meal as compensation.

After a hurried meal, her friend left, and on the way home, Ayin kept replaying the incident in her head. The "little voice" gleefully chimed in:

• "You didn’t even check the museum’s schedule? You’re so unreliable. She’ll definitely never want to hang out with you again."

In truth, if Ayin had truly understood her friend’s perspective, she would have realized they didn’t see her as the flawed person she imagined herself to be.

Her friend wasn’t bothered by the museum closure, colleagues who had tasted her cooking complimented her skills, and as for the dress—amidst the sea of people, no one would have paid attention.

From beginning to end, Ayin was tormenting herself.

Every instance of overthinking pushed her deeper into her self-imposed abyss.

2. What Causes Overthinking?

Everyone likely knows someone like Xiaolu or Ayin, but what exactly leads to their overthinking tendencies?

By comparing Xiaolu and Ayin’s backgrounds, I noticed several commonalities:

(1) Low Self-Esteem

Ayin grew up as an introverted and withdrawn child. She didn’t move to New York until adulthood. Surrounded by classmates and colleagues sharing their fascinating lives, she felt deeply inferior—like an ugly duckling among swans—too ashamed to express herself openly.

Lucy, on the other hand, came from a privileged background and was admired by many. However, her parents constantly compared her to others as she grew up.

When she struggled with math and worked hard to improve, they said:

• “Your classmate got 100, and you only got 90. After all the money we spent on tutoring, how are you still not good at this?”

When she earned her way into college, they remarked:

• “Everyone in our family has a college degree. Your cousins all went to Ivy League schools—you’re the worst performer in the family.”

Over time, both Lucy and Ayin lost their sense of self-worth. As adults, they often doubted themselves in relationships with friends, colleagues, or romantic partners, thinking, “I’m just not good enough.”

(2) Rumination

Have you ever experienced this?

Something unpleasant happens in your life, and though it doesn’t seem like a big deal initially, you dwell on it later. The more you think about it, the more regretful you feel, repeatedly asking yourself, “Why didn’t I handle that better?” until your mood worsens.

At this point, you may unknowingly have fallen into a pattern of ruminative thinking.

According to Yale University psychology professor Susan Nolen-Hoeksema:

Rumination refers to a cognitive pattern where individuals unconsciously replay their emotional state, the event’s causes and consequences, and specific details without actively seeking solutions to the problem.

The key difference between ruminative and constructive thinking lies in the path it takes:

• Constructive thinking is a forward-moving process.
  Reflecting on the past helps to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.
• Ruminative thinking is a dead end.
  Once someone starts reflecting, they become trapped in their emotions, unable to detach or consider solutions, spiraling deeper into their feelings.

Both Lucy and Ayin are classic ruminators.

Whenever something unpleasant happens, they blame themselves, replaying the event in their minds and deepening their regret.

But it’s clear that rumination does nothing to solve problems. To escape this dead end, the only path forward is awareness and action.

 

3. How to Escape the Trap of Overthinking?

Nietzsche once said, “The greatest enemy you will ever encounter is yourself. Often, it is our own fears that hold us back.”

So how can we eliminate these fears? Through positive self-dialogue, we can break old thinking habits and move forward.

(1) Confront the “Little Voice” Within

The “little voice” represents our insecure side. When it dominates our thoughts, we can summon the courage to confront it and reclaim control.

For example, if the voice says, “Your colleagues aren’t interested in your cooking,” you could challenge it with questions like:

• “Has anyone actually told me they don’t want to try my cooking?”
• “Is this lack of confidence based on objective evidence, or am I just imagining it?”
• “If no one has said anything, could it be that I’ve been overthinking?”

By building the habit of questioning rather than obeying this “little voice,” we can strengthen our thoughts and take back control of our inner narrative.

(2) De-catastrophize

Overthinking often leads us to anticipate disastrous outcomes that are unlikely to happen. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we can test the waters in a controlled way.

For instance, if you’re worried a new dress might attract too much attention, try this: wear the dress with a jacket in hand, and take a stroll around a nearby park.

If you do feel uncomfortable under others’ gazes, you can put on the jacket.

But if nothing unusual happens, continue wearing the dress to more places with confidence.

(3) Replace Rumination with Reflection

Both rumination and reflection involve revisiting past events, but they differ in focus:

• Rumination fixates on emotions, trapping us in regret.
• Reflection focuses on actions and how to improve.

If you tend to overthink, it’s crucial to guard against rumination. When you catch yourself replaying unpleasant details, pause and ask:

“What can I do to avoid making the same mistake again?”

Shift your focus to actionable solutions.

For example, if you forgot to check a museum’s schedule, causing your plans to fall through, resolve to verify details in advance next time.

Or prepare a Plan B, so even if unexpected issues arise, you and your friends can still enjoy a pleasant day nearby.

When we focus on planning and action, our feelings of regret naturally fade.

 

Final Thoughts

In my conversations with Xiaolu and Ayin, I noticed something:

People who overthink often have tender hearts.

They care deeply about others and want to ensure those around them feel at ease. But in doing so, they sometimes neglect themselves.

To all the overthinkers out there, it’s time to start being kind to yourself.

You are wonderful and deserve all the gentleness the world has to offer.