Little A and Little B were once an enviable couple. In the early days of their relationship, their differences fascinated each other. However, as time passed, these differences became the fuse for arguments.

Little A is keen on experiencing life and plans long - distance trips every year, believing that "to live is to be as rich as possible." Little B, on the other hand, prefers saving money and a stable life, thinking that "family should come first in life."

When discussing the future, Little A hopes to continue developing her career after marriage, while Little B favors traditional gender roles and hopes she will take care of the family. Finally, the two broke up because of "completely different life concepts."

Have you ever wondered why some people grow closer while others drift apart? Apart from personality, communication, and lifestyle, the values hidden behind our choices may be the key factor in the success or failure of an intimate relationship.

Recently, a series of studies published in the "Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin" revealed an interesting phenomenon: Those who value altruism and caring for others are more likely to have a sweet and stable intimate relationship (Van Der Wal et al., 2024).

I. What are "values" and why should we pay attention to them when choosing a partner?

Personal values are an internal belief system that we use to judge "what is important and what is worth pursuing." They not only influence our behavior but also determine how we view others.

The value structure model proposed by psychologist Schwartz is one of the current mainstream classification methods (Schwartz, 1992). This model divides human basic values into four categories according to the direction of motivation and presents them in a continuous circular structure.

This means that adjacent values have similar motivational tendencies and can complement and be compatible with each other. Opposing values are located at opposite ends of the circle and conflict with each other (as shown in the figure). For example, there is often a contradiction between the values of pursuing personal success and power and the values of caring about the well - being of others and emphasizing equality.

In general, they can be mainly summarized into two dimensions:

Self - Enhancement vs. Self - Transcendence

Self - Enhancement represents the pursuit of personal achievement, social status, and influence, such as "power" and "success."

Self - Transcendence emphasizes altruism, caring for others, and the pursuit of equality and justice, such as "tolerance" and "social welfare."

Openness to Change vs. Conservation

Openness to Change refers to the pursuit of freedom, curiosity, innovation, and a preference for new things.

Conservation reflects the emphasis on safety, tradition, and social order and a tendency to maintain the status quo.

These values are not simply about "you are right and I am wrong" but reflect different core ways of understanding the world.

II. Which values have the greatest impact on the quality of love?

The study shows that among many values, the self - transcendence value has the most significant positive impact on the quality of a relationship. In other words, those who care more about others and are more empathetic to their partners' needs are more likely to have a happy relationship.

People with "self - transcendence" are more likely to maintain a good relationship because they have the following three characteristics:

1. A more positive attitude They are more likely to be inclusive and understanding in conflicts rather than getting caught up in blame and revenge (Strelan et al., 2011).
2. Stronger empathy They are willing to listen to their partners' needs and invest time and emotion, thereby enhancing trust and intimacy.
3. More intrinsic motivation They view the relationship as part of their self - growth rather than an exchange. They invest in the relationship not because "I should" but because "I really want to."

More interestingly, these altruistic motives mainly affect their own perception of the relationship. That is to say, even if their partners may not fully feel this "self - transcendence," these people will still be satisfied with the relationship because of their own efforts.

The study also mentioned that the two dimensions of "Openness to Change" and "Conservation" do not have a significant impact on the quality of the relationship. However, this does not mean they are unimportant. Their influence may be manifested at different stages:

In the early stage of a relationship, being open to new experiences makes a person more attractive, and the relationship is more likely to heat up. After entering a stable relationship, conservative values (such as stability, safety, and family responsibility) may become the key to maintaining the relationship. But what we really need to pay special attention to when choosing a partner is:

Do you and your partner both have a tendency towards "self - transcendence"? Are you willing to include each other's happiness in your life goals? Can you treat this relationship with equality, respect, and understanding?

These may be more decisive in determining whether you can have a long - lasting relationship than "having common hobbies" or "being well - matched in social status."

III. Three suggestions for those in an intimate relationship

Whether you are in a relationship, married, or just broke up, the following three suggestions may help you understand and improve your relationship:

1. Cultivate altruism Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and look at things from their perspective. Be more understanding and inclusive. Before arguing, ask yourself: "If I were them, how would I think?" This kind of empathy is a bridge connecting each other's emotions.
2. Establish a positive interaction mechanism Formulate "mutual - assistance rules" that both parties agree on, such as taking turns to do housework and having regular in - depth conversations. Through these small details of care and support, create a warm and harmonious environment for the relationship. For example, design your daily life from a "we" perspective, like taking turns to cook and sharing your feelings once a week, which can enhance the sense of cooperation and warmth in the relationship.
3. Reflect on your own values Take some time to think about what you value most: Is it the pursuit of personal achievement or the warmth of family and partner? Adjusting your internal motivation in a timely manner may subtly improve the way you get along. For example, write down the five most important life values to you and see if they are suitable for a two - person life. If there are conflicts, can you find a consensus or compromise?

In conclusion

This study reminds us that what really makes us feel happy in a relationship is not just how the other person treats us, but how we view and invest in this relationship.

When you value altruism, care, and empathy, these values will make you more willing to give to each other and less concerned about gains and losses. Naturally, it is easier to experience the warmth and satisfaction brought by a relationship.

So, instead of blindly pursuing the "right person," when you take the initiative to understand, be considerate, and be inclusive, the sweetness of the relationship may have already sprouted quietly.

May we all be deeply understood and gently treated in relationships where our values are in harmony.