The term "intimate relationship" has appeared quite frequently in people's vision in recent years. In fact, a relationship can bring sweetness and happiness, but it may also be accompanied by conflicts and pain. Both parties in the relationship struggle, hesitate, have their hearts race, either disguise themselves or be honest with each other.

Today, we would like to introduce to our readers the four "killers," or four horsemen, threatening intimate relationships. In the New Testament, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were originally metaphorical signals of the end - time. They respectively represent conquest, war, famine, and death.

So, do you know what the four horsemen threatening intimate relationships are? Researchers have discovered through experiments four factors that lead to the end of a relationship. According to data, if the approach is not changed, these "Four Horsemen" can predict the end of a relationship with an accuracy rate as high as 93%.

The Four "Killers" of Intimate Relationships

1.   The First Horseman: Criticism

Criticism is different from simply expressing an opinion or complaining about a fact. Because complaining is about dealing with a specific problem on a case - by - case basis, while criticism is a personal attack on the other half. This is manifested in maliciously attacking the other half's core character traits.

Let's try to understand the difference in the expressions between criticism and complaint:

Complaint: I'm really scared. When you come home late and don't answer my calls, I thought we had an understanding about keeping in touch.

Criticism: Don't you ever consider how your actions affect others? I never thought you were so selfish. People like you don't know how to consider others' feelings, and you've never thought about me.

If you find that similar criticism has appeared in your relationship, don't think that this relationship is doomed to end.

The biggest problem with criticism is that when it spreads, it makes the victim feel hurt, negated, and attacked. When such a state keeps occurring and deteriorating, it paves the way for another deadly horseman: contempt follows.

2.   The Second Horseman: Contempt

When people communicate in this state, the way they treat their partners actually lacks respect. We may mock them sarcastically, make fun of them, call them by their names directly, imitate them, or use body language such as rolling our eyes to express our contempt. The purpose of contempt is to make the other person feel despised and worthless.

In fact, the lethality of contempt far exceeds that of criticism. Criticism is an attack on the partner's character traits, while contempt assumes a moral superiority:

You're tired? I've been with the kids all day, running around like a crazy person at home, and all you do is come home from work and flop on the sofa, playing these stupid games like a child. Are you my other baby? Can you be any more pathetic?

Contempt is one of the most powerful predictors of divorce. In an experiment conducted by Gottman and Levenson in 1999, they counted the number of times couples expressed contempt within a 15 - minute conversation. The results showed that the average number of times of expressing contempt among couples who were still together later was less than 5, while the average number of times of expressing contempt among divorced couples during the experiment was between 6 and 10.

Research even shows that couples who express contempt for each other are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases (such as the flu, severe colds, etc.) than those with weak immune systems.

3.   The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

This is usually a response to criticism. In fact, we've all been defensive. When our relationships encounter obstacles, defensiveness is almost everywhere. When we feel unjustly accused, we make excuses and play the innocent victim, trying to make our partners give in.

Unfortunately, this method hardly ever works. Our excuses only tell our partners that we haven't seriously considered their thoughts and won't take responsibility for our mistakes:

• "Did you call them to let them know we'll be late tonight?"
• "I've been too busy today. The problem is, you know how tight my schedule is. Why can't you make this call?"

The person in the response not only defends themselves but also tries to shift the blame to the other half, thus shirking responsibility.

When we feel stressed or attacked, we instinctively want to protect ourselves, but simply being defensive can't help us solve the actual problems in our intimate relationships. If we don't give in at all or refuse to apologize, this defensive approach will only escalate the conflicts in the relationship. Defensiveness is actually a way of trying to blame the other half rather than a healthy way to solve problems.

4.   The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is often a response to contempt. It refers to one party in an intimate relationship suddenly withdrawing from the communication between the two, ending the conversation, and stopping responding to the other half. Instead of facing the problem with the partner, people in this state will take some evasive actions, such as turning around and leaving, pretending to be busy, or doing some compulsive or attention - distracting actions.

Due to the negativity brought by the first three horsemen, which makes people exhausted, this withdrawal can be understood, but it's not a good habit. In fact, it's not easy to stop this withdrawal state. It's the result of physiological flooding. This physical discomfort prevents us from rationally discussing problems.

How to Defeat These "Horsemen"?

So, how can we defeat these four horsemen and safeguard our intimate relationships with our partners?

1.   The first crucial step in change is to be able to identify the four horsemen in conflicts

But this is not enough. To change this destructive communication and conflict pattern, you need to replace it with a healthy and productive one. Each horseman corresponds to a reliable and positive behavior to counter these negative aspects.

In fact, conflicts and disagreements in a relationship are inevitable. Research results show that it's often not the conflict itself but the way we manage it that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. The reason we say "manage" conflicts instead of trying to "eliminate" them is that disputes in a relationship are natural and have their functions. Conflicts can help us better understand each other and grow.

You and your partner are naturally different in personality, so you may have different views on some issues. But if you can learn to manage such situations in a healthy way, your relationship is more likely to succeed.

2.   The antidote to "criticism" is: Try to gently express your feelings and needs

We know that complaining is only about specific things, while criticism is an attack on the other half's personality. So, when expressing your feelings, try to avoid saying "you" all the time, as this may imply blame. Try starting with "I," which is a positive way to express your needs.

Criticism: "You're always talking about yourself. Why are you so selfish?"

Antidote: "Dear, I feel a bit left out of our conversation. Actually, I also have a lot to say to you. Can I express my feelings?"

This way of expression starts with "I feel" and then moves on to "I need," expressing one's needs in a way that respects the other person. Since there is no criticism or blame, it also prevents daily discussions from escalating into arguments.

3.   The antidote to "contempt" is: Build an atmosphere of gratitude and respect in the relationship

An effective way is to focus on the positive aspects of small things.

If you regularly express your gratitude, appreciation, love, and respect for your partner, it will create a positive perspective in the relationship and help us buffer those negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely you are to feel or express contempt.

Another reason to explain this approach is that based on experimental results, the ratio of positive to negative events in a successful relationship needs to be at least 5:1.

If there are five or more positive events for every negative event, you can regularly make deposits in your emotional account, which will keep your relationship in a healthy state.

Contempt: "Did you forget to do the laundry again? Oh, my god, you're so lazy." (while rolling your eyes)

Antidote: "Dear, I understand you've been busy recently. But if I work late, could you remember to do the laundry? I'd really appreciate it."

Since understanding is expressed at the beginning, the antidote works well. This expression shows that you know your partner didn't forget to do the laundry out of laziness or malice, so you won't show contempt for your partner or stand on a moral high - ground. Instead, you express your needs in a respectful way and express gratitude at the end.

4.   The antidote to "defensiveness" is: Take your own responsibility

We already know that defensiveness actually involves blaming the other half, and it can't help us solve the actual problems. Therefore, we need to take our own responsibility, even if it's only part of the conflict.

Defensiveness: "It has nothing to do with me if we're late. It's all because of you. You always get dressed at the last second."

Antidote: "Dear, you know I don't like being late, but you're right. We don't always have to leave so early. I can be more flexible with the time arrangement."

By taking our own part of the responsibility, the antidote can prevent the conflict from escalating. In this way, both parties can work hard to reach an agreement.

5.   The antidote to "stonewalling" is: Physiological self - soothing

Two people in a state of stonewalling often bear a lot of emotional stress. This may cause their heart rate to increase, release more stress hormones, and even trigger a fight - or - flight response.

In a longitudinal study, after a couple had been arguing continuously for 15 minutes, the researchers interrupted them on the pretext of needing to adjust the equipment and asked them not to discuss the problem for the time being but just read magazines for half an hour. When the conversation resumed after some time, their heart rates had significantly decreased, and their communication became more positive and effective.

What exactly happened during those half - an - hour? In the process, they soothed themselves physiologically by reading and avoiding discussion. Once they felt calm, they could communicate in a more respectful and rational way in the subsequent conversation.

Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self - soothing. The first step is to stop the conflict - filled conversation and express the need for a pause:

"Dear, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I feel like I'm about to be overwhelmed by my emotions. Can you give me 20 minutes and then we'll continue the discussion?"

If you don't take a break, you may get into a state of stonewalling and suppress your emotions, or finally explode at your partner, or both may happen one after another. However, none of these situations will make you feel good.

Physiological self - soothing takes time. Therefore, you need at least 20 minutes to rest. It's crucial that during this process, try to avoid getting indignant or putting yourself in the position of an innocent victim.

You should spend time doing things that make you feel calm and distract your attention, such as listening to music, exercising, reading, etc. In fact, what you do doesn't matter as long as the process can calm you down.

Now, you already know what the four horsemen threatening intimate relationships are and have obtained the proven effective antidotes.

In your interaction with your partner, once you notice their presence, you can immediately use these healthy and effective ways to respond. When you can effectively avoid the appearance of the four horsemen in conflicts, you will have a happy and stable relationship.